Tuesday, May 14, 2019, 01:06 PM

It may seem odd to talk about studying your spouse, but before you dismiss the idea, think about what you did when you were dating. You most likely tried to learn as much as you could. (Click on the title to read the full post.)

You asked a lot of questions and did your research so that you could connect with him or her more deeply as you got to know each other. That was wise. The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out. (Proverbs 18:15)

Albert Einstein said, “once you stop learning you start dying.” This is so true, especially in marriage. When you stop studying and learning about your spouse, your relationship starts to die.

What happens to many married couples is that at some point, they stop studying each other, either assuming they know everything about each other or being content with what they do know. The problem is that when spouses stop studying each other, they become complacent in their relationship, start losing interest, and feel disconnected. This can lead one or both to become dissatisfied in their relationship and to look elsewhere to feel appreciated and valued.

If you find yourself in this situation, you can change it! There are many ways that you can study your spouse, including:

  • Make it a priority to spend time together, just the two of you – talking, walking, working on a shared project, or anything else that you can enjoy together.
  • Be curious and ask questions about his or her dreams, desires, challenges, etc.
  • Become more observant, paying attention to his or her mood, words, and actions when you are together and when around other people. (You can learn a lot by watching how he or she is around others.)
  • Take an interest in some of the things that he or she likes to do, or even ask him or her to teach you about them.
  • Look for a book or other resources that provide questions to help you connect or topics that you can discuss. One we’ve used is 365 Connecting Questions for Couples by Casey and Meygan Caston. 

You’ll need to find what works for you, but the key is to never stop learning and always be curious about your spouse. The better student you become, the greater connection you will have, and the healthier your marriage will be.


Note: Scripture verses are from the New International Version, unless otherwise indicated.

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